Asia’s answer to St Tropez… or Skegness?
Sawadee kaa travel fiends. Phuket is inbound and it’s pronounced Pu-ket so get your lame “fook-et” jokes out the way, and get ready to explore Thailand’s vibrant, serene, loud, relaxing, chaotic isle. Phuket is burgeoning with sport and activity which makes it the perfect place to set up camp for a few days to play hard, party hard and unwind hard.
PLAY
Phuket can pretty much cater for any of your team sports needs. There’s an abundance of annual tournaments, and enough amateur & semi pro teams to arrange appropriate opposition. You may however not realise that Phuket island is much bigger than you perhaps anticipate - and as such, many of the “full scale” sports facilities generally aren’t located in the major accommodation areas of Patong, Kata and Phuket Town.
Good news? Transport options are abundant and reasonable. Minibuses are a great way to get from A to B and back to A, although depending on your match/tournament time, one unlucky mug may have to round up the lazier suspects to ensure the rush-hour traffic is missed with an extra early start.
From our experience, Thanyapura Resort offers great options of facilities to rent including a full size artificial turf field suitable for football, rugby & hockey, as well as an array of other athletic facilities. If you wanna stay here, prices are spicier than a deep fried chilli scorpion from that crazy street vendor fella, so our recommendation is stay near the fun, and commute here. Or don’t, and just stay here and get pampered. Whatever, I don’t care.
Other alternatives are to play on your very own pitch located within your accommodation.
This is just one example but there are again a few options if you scout round. Take a look, we’re a review, not Google!
PARTY
Patong - party capital of Thailand or Southeast Asia’s Skegness? If you can make it past the herds of British women in sparkly diamante hats or the cliched traveller tryhards in those bloody elephant pants, you will come to realise Bangla Road - the primary party street - has an alluring charm.
Some say it's the buckets of Thai whisky you will inevitably end up supping, or perhaps it’s the sexier-than-your-wife ladyboys that flirt with you in every bar. And whatever you do, don’t make eye contact with the massive guy(s) with tattoos on his face / neck / eyeballs; he may look friendly, but I can assure you, he’s gonna trick you into one of those amateur muay thai fights in a bar and headbutt you to death. You’ve been warned.
Once you’ve navigated the dangers of the strip, this melting pot of people is supremely fun and I would say there aren’t many better places to people-watch in the world. Add in value-for-money beers ($2USD), bar games for shots and glitzy nightclubs for you high-rollers and you can’t go wrong for a wild ride in Phuket.
Congratulate yourself at the end of the night for not being one of those stereotypical westerners queuing up outside Burger King / McDonald’s, instead enjoying the delights of an authentic thai gyros kebab.
For a classier time, check out a number of the beach clubs in Phuket. Cafe del Mar in Kamala serves up some tremendous pool parties with amazing views of the Andaman sea, vast array of cocktails and tons of instagram wannabes who think they’re better than you. And they are ‘cos you’re hungover & pasty and they’re tanned and gorgeous. Don’t get caught standing next to them or your deep rooted inferiority complex will rage. Where’s that cocktail menu?
UNWIND
Once you’ve drank your self esteem into oblivion, you remember you’re here for something sporting. You probably miserably failed, or in some cases, valiantly failed, and now you can take some much needed R&R. Again, Phuket has a host of options for this, and you may want to explore the calmer reaches of the island such as Phuket Town or Kata/Karon in the south.
Drop-in massage parlours are very accessible in availability and price. Don’t assume they’re all dodgy and offering happy time (but beware, some are!). Most are perfectly legit and a foot massage starts at around $5 USD going all the way up to full body deep tissue for $50.
Yoga retreats and combat sports conditioning are also everywhere in Phuket, ranging from low budget to high end, and if you’re a watersports fan (no jokes please), there’s some incredible hard-to-access scenery you can paddle to via kayak. If that’s not nearly gnarly enough dude, May to October is monsoon season bringing occasional surf swells, along with a steady fake break over at the Surf House located at Kata beach, and now Patong.
If you’re a fan of retail therapy, there’s a huge mall somewhere near Patong. I didn’t go but I hear it’s great. Instead I got scammed buying fakes on the stalls that line the beach. I say scammed, I suspected they were probably fake, but perhaps paid more than I should have. Is that scammed?
ON A SHOESTRING?
Accommodation
Hostel. Multiple person dorms, such as those offered by Paradise Beach Backpackers can be found starting around $10 USD per person per night. Which lets face it, if you’re barely there, it’s just like a big loud communal locker room. Great for team bonding and also terrible for team bonding.
Travel
Renting scooters are cheap as long as you don’t get scammed or mown down by a truck. Taxis are a good value blissfully air conditioned alternative. No Uber, but the local equivalent is Grab Taxi
Eat
Street food & hawker stalls. Pad thai aplenty for those carb loading / recovery days. Have a maccies if you want as well, but we’ll judge you, and so will everyone else (especially those stupid elephant-pant travellers). Don't forget the scorpions on sticks.
Merch
Official tour top & Thai-style beer vest with your own bespoke beer logo. Check out our previous examples here.
Party
Bangla Road. Cheap if you drink beers from the local bars (apx ~$2USD). Even cheaper if you get spiked with the fake vodka from street vendors.
MID-TABLE
Accommodation
Hotels are fairly reasonable in Phuket, of course paying a slight premium for more desirable locations. We're not gonna do all the work for you, but we can certainly recommend DoubleTree by Hilton Phuket Banthai Resort. Room price is around $65USD / night - so halved if 2 people sharing a double/twin.
Travel
Personally, I feel there’s no better mode of transportation than a Phuket party tuk-tuk. Obscene neon lights, booming speakers and reach-out-and-touch-it authenticity of being immersed in the city. Although don’t actually reach out of these things - you’ll regret it.
Eat
Being on an island makes seafood the obvious choice. Check out Loy Lom Bar & Grill for a great selection of seafood, steaks, wine & cocktails.
Merch
Official Team Tour top, limited edition playing kit, custom beer vest, flip flops. Get inspo here.
Party
Drinks at Simon Cabaret and bottles at Illuzion Nightclub. Look like douche but without the price tag
BALLIN’
Accommodation
Catered villa with a private pool is definitely the way to go. They are actually in the realms of mid-table affordability, but for supreme luxury, they can go up to $5000USD per night. Our recommendation is the amazing Baan Sung Thai which overlooks Kamala. It starts at around $2000 USD / night, and has up to 18 bedrooms and sleeps up to 40 people.
Travel
Fly business class obviously. Unless you’re on a budget airline, in which case pay more money for the same seats at the front. On the ground, private limos are available but we can't vouch for these personally as we're having too much fun in the party tuk-tuks.
Eat
Selection of exotic fruits, and perhaps an egg & avocado station for breakfast. Homemade Thai dishes for lunch and Michelin starred quality cuisine for dinner. All made to order and delivered to your face by your villa’s own private chefs. Eating out? Check out Le V Restaurant for some incredible sunset views.
Merch
Official team tour top, limited edition playing kit, Hawaiian shirts, matching dazzling shorts, espadrilles. We got you.
Party
Swerve downtown Patong, and head to Cafe del Mar in Kamala for some totally lit beach club vybz. That’s how you spell it if you’re insta-edgy and cool. Get there early, grab your loungers before the Germans / Russians (unless you’re German or Russian, in which case, good hustle) and sit back and enjoy the #vybz
SUMMARY
So there you have it; Phuket. It’s a heady mix of activity, tranquility and fun and is one of the best destinations we’ve been to for options on everything. Accommodation is abundant, flights are frequent from most major Asian cities and the variety of things to do is vast. The hospitality of the Thai people is world renowned, and no matter where you’re staying, eating or drinking, you can expect a high level of service & an extremely welcoming experience.
Affordable & accessible? Check. Sports stuff? Check. Fun stuff. Double check.
Phuket, let’s go!
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